Neologisms!...

This came to me by email and I have not stopped laughing for a long time after reading this... Just sharing the email content without any edits.... with all due recognition & gratitude for the author and sender.... Hope you would enjoy this. :)

The Washington Post neologisms

The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. 

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishism.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

10 Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Happy Reading!

Yours laughingly!

Bandh-e-Mataram

No. It is not a spelling mistake.

No. It is not adhering to classical linguistic style... as linguists claim that the letter "Va" is pronounced as "Ba" as in "Vangal" has become "Bengal".

Yes. This article is inspired by the very successful recently concluded Bharat Bandh and the chatter that preceded and followed it. Unable to resist, I decided to contribute more to the noise.

As a kid or a student or as an office goer, Bandh is always a welcome phenomenon for me since it is always accompanied by a holiday. Few years back I used envy the "Bongs" where the left ruled state averaged about 40-50 bandhs a year. Ignoring all the other ills due to Bandh, considering it making a 2 day weekend to a 3 day weekend was certainly an attraction to work in the state!

Thanks to the 6 year UPA's rule, my sympathies with the people who strike / organize bandh has substantially increased. I am completely frustrated with this government's performance or rather non-performance:

• The key priorities for the government were very clear (atleast to me) for the last 6 years. At a very high level the Top 3 are:
• Judicial reforms.
• Tackling terrorism and threat from Naxals.
• Decriminalization of politics to minimize corruption and state sponsored looting.
• We seems to be going no where on any of the above issues. 
• If I were to rate the government's performance,  then it has scored (-11342) on a scale of 1 to 10.

I think this government also does not believe in the value of every Indian life. I feel very anguished when I read that X number of CRPF personnel were killed by naxals almost on a daily basis. I believe that the days are not far off for a open revolt that you cannot take the life of the security forces for granted. 

But lets come back to "Bandh-e-Mataram" topic: 

• First and foremost I believe Bandh should not be unconstitutional and is an excellent way to express disapproval, involve in a civil dis-obedient movement by the people. In a democracy this is an excellent way to register the protest when debates and discussions take us no where.

• But what we are lacking is a framework that allows this genuine out pour of emotions in an organized way. In our country if one person kills another then it is murder but if 1000 people kill another 1000 then it is riot with no responsibility or accountability.

• Instead of just complaining let me offer few thoughts on how to get a framework around this bandh:

• Bandh on account of price rise issue is a very genuine concern. Frankly it is an irritant to me, but does not affect my livelihood. But I feel there are millions in India, who have been pushed deeper into poverty / struggling to meet both ends meet. If that is the case then how can I express that I am struggling to make a living?
• As Indians we need to have pride in our country. 
• Economic loss to the state can never be a solution to tackling any problem, leave alone price rise. Its sad to note that debates are on as to how many 1000's of crores  we have lost. We need to realize that its actually going from our pockets.
• Also we cannot allow any impact to emergency services. Any disruption to this should be considered as criminal.
• If the bandh is peaceful without "Civil unrest" then emergency services and economic losses could be avoided.
• The prime reason behind Civil unrest is that the metric we use to measure the success or failure of the bandh has to be recalibrated.
• The success or failure cannot and should be measured how shut down the state was and how heavily was the normal life affected. This is the root cause of the problem.
• We need a political party that redefines this metric. We need a way for people like me who actually want to go to work on that but still register my protest. We don't seem to know how to do this.
• May be with 650+ million mobile phones (55%+ penetration) we can have a mobile SMS based survey on such topics. It should be the responsibility of every citizen to respond for such polls. Before mobile companies say "What an Idea Sirji", let me clarify that these SMS are non-revenue generating polls. Or with every response the subscriber gets an Rs.1/- credit to him. I strongly believe that "Economics drive human behaviour".
• The principal political party responsible for the bandh has to be accountable for the following:
• Any loss of property to the state or a citizen has to be borne by the political party. The local authorities should have an machinery that can record instances and create evidences of party sponsored damages.
• A situation where 50-100 odd state buses are burnt are damaged is a shameful phenomenon and some one has to pay for this.
• Any violation of citizen rights like intimidation, physical assault on people who want to work etc, should be registered as a criminal case against the local MLA of that political party. If 5 such incidents are reported then losses the right to fight elections.            

For all these to happen, we need leaders who take pride in the country. 

For that to happen we need decriminalization of politics and judicial reforms. 

For that to happen we need to pray for better sense to prevail on our current leaders. 

For that to happen, the answer lies in this popular joke. If "pro" is the opposite of 'Con", then what is the opposite of "Progress"? :)

Till then,

Bandh-e-Mataram!

Yours Strikingly!